I'm not going to lie: This war is wearing me down to nothing. Not only have I had to keep all my harsh come-backs and snappy replies to myself (to please Lover), but their relentless attacks on me as a person has squashed my none existence self-esteem. I was unaware that zero could be any more than just that, but I now know it can.
[For the sake of fluency, I will refer to Lover's friends by a random letter in their name; that way I don't have to keep saying 'Lover's friends' and make you guess which one I'm talking about.]
Not all of them hate me. In fact, I'm going to say that out of the major four, only two do. So about half. No, correction: two of them used to. I don't know what happen, but by biggest opponent in this game of love has shifted and we know tolerate each other, which I don't mind. I use to think that U had a crush on Lover, and that's way he hated me, because I stole his boyfriend (no, Lover is not, nor ever was, gay. I just mean they are really close). However, over the last few weeks (it's only taken this long), I've realized he is just making sure I don't hurt his best friend. Understandable.
R and O are totally indifferent towards me, which I am also fine with. I am more than fine with them not liking me, just so long as they don't hate me. I think O is just being a big brother (thank god for me the other two big ones are out of the town and the other is 12...) and is wary of me, but not resentful. I'm not sure he knows what to think.
R thinks I'm loud and sassy, which I am, so I don't begrudge him for not being to keen on me; I'm just not the type of person he would hang out with. He respects mine and Lover's connection and he is happy to see that we love each other (I believe), so his apathy to me is really nothing to me. I'm kind of apathetic to him too.
A on the other hand HATES me, and if it's not hate it is definitely something very strong and fiery. Like the earth's core... on fire. That's pretty intense, is it not? In his own mind, this man is a god, and I won't argue the point that he is very, very smart. Lover and his group are massively intelligent and all brooding genius, the kind that make Einstein look like a paint chip-- I kid not. My group is pretty smart, sure, but we are smart-asses, loud, in your face, and take-no-shit type of gals and boys.
In A's mind Lover and I dating is like a Lord fooling around with his surf; it's not okay. The upper class are not allowed to intermingle with the lower class because that produces bastard offspring. The fact that we are in love and I, the surf, actually make Lover, the Lord, happy and vice-versa is not in my favor. Apparently, there are no exceptions to A's rule.
What's worse is the fact that I try so hard to get A to like me. The other day he gave this fantastic speech and I made it a point to compliment him on it. I said it in a serious voice, so he couldn't have interpreted that I was being sarcastic, and I smiled at him kindly, but all he did was sneer and glare at me! For Speech & Debate tournaments, our coach wanted us to do PD together because he thinks he would bring home the hardware (which we would). A loves PD from what I hear but as soon as I was brought up as being his partner, he informed Coach that he would rather do LD (which is a solitaire debate form). What?! I may have no confidence in my ability to do anything, but I have to admit that I am one hell of a debater. I'm the best PD girl we got! The BEST!
Its not that I have to be liked by everyone and that's why A's intolerance for me hurts me so much: it's because I'm so tired of this battle between them and me. I'm tired of them feeling left out and blaming me if he spends too much time with me. I'm tired of me feeling left out when they completely close their group off to me and shun me. I'm sick of them thinking I'm stupid, slutty and bitchy when they don't even know me. I hate that I'm seen as not good enough for Lover. I hate that they get to me like this. I hate when Lover has to bring it up to them that I'm a part of his life and they need to accept that. I hate that he has to do that.
Point to remember: I hate it. I just hate it!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I find that I'm so busy....
I have no time to think! I have not time to form thoughts or opinions other than those that are asked of me at school. Just last month I could read five books in a week, write in depth papers about them and then discuss them with intelligent people, but with the way things are going now I'm lucky if I get five pages in a week! And that's a book of my own choosing, not the ones I'm told to read.
Even on my days off I'm busy, busy, busy working my ass off. And don't even get me started on sick days. Lover got me pretty ill, and I went to school for three days with fevers before deciding to take a day off on Friday... even then it was work! I had to perfectly orchestrate my sick day down to the last minute detail, work 5x as hard Thursday night, wake up early anyways to give my homework that we were getting for in class work and things that were due to Lover and explain to him where they went and then make sure that he had food to eat when it came to lunch time so he wouldn't starve and that he knew how to fix it properly so he didn't poison himself(Thursday I had brought some fixed pasta to school and I put it in a teacher's fridge so he could eat it on Friday).
I have typed so many papers in the last two weeks, I can't even feel the pads of my fingers. What's worse is that every single teacher- ALL OF THEM!- have taken me aside and explained to me that they see something special in me, that they are going to give me harder tests and more work because they want to challenge me. What's more, one of them asked me to challenge him on a weekly basis. To remind him of why he's a teacher I suppose. I try and tell them that I'm not special! I'm just like everyone else... but they won't listen to me.
Poor Lover keeps trying to get me to take a break, but anytime he proposes it, I nearly start to scream, loading onto him my heavy work load. I might explode. Look for it in the news, where ever you might be.
♥
Even on my days off I'm busy, busy, busy working my ass off. And don't even get me started on sick days. Lover got me pretty ill, and I went to school for three days with fevers before deciding to take a day off on Friday... even then it was work! I had to perfectly orchestrate my sick day down to the last minute detail, work 5x as hard Thursday night, wake up early anyways to give my homework that we were getting for in class work and things that were due to Lover and explain to him where they went and then make sure that he had food to eat when it came to lunch time so he wouldn't starve and that he knew how to fix it properly so he didn't poison himself(Thursday I had brought some fixed pasta to school and I put it in a teacher's fridge so he could eat it on Friday).
I have typed so many papers in the last two weeks, I can't even feel the pads of my fingers. What's worse is that every single teacher- ALL OF THEM!- have taken me aside and explained to me that they see something special in me, that they are going to give me harder tests and more work because they want to challenge me. What's more, one of them asked me to challenge him on a weekly basis. To remind him of why he's a teacher I suppose. I try and tell them that I'm not special! I'm just like everyone else... but they won't listen to me.
Poor Lover keeps trying to get me to take a break, but anytime he proposes it, I nearly start to scream, loading onto him my heavy work load. I might explode. Look for it in the news, where ever you might be.
♥
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Sunday is Birthday Day!!
Okay, so Lover's birthday was actually the sixth, but he was out of town both yesterday and today so I didn't get to have him. So, after some quick planning and rescheduling on my part I have arranged for next Sunday to be his birthday day all day long. From nine in the morning til nine or ten at night. I have it all planned out.
Granted, over the last month I have been showering him with an abundance of gifts, but I can't help myself; I absolutely love giving him things! I love the look he gives me when he realizes I've spent money followed quickly by the look of utter delight at something silly or stupid I had fanciful wrapped up. It's like a gift all in itself (oh, how cliché.)
About a month before his actual birthday, I surprised him by lighting a sea of candles in the bedroom, putting the stain sheets on, spending a fortune on a sexy lingerie piece and slipping into a pair of his favorite stockings and silk robe (he has a high heel and stocking fetish, but I was hesitant to snag the sheets, so I vetoed the high heel idea). That was birthday gift number one.
Two weeks later I bought him a nice shirt, and though I didn't think of it as a birthday gift, he did so that counts as number two. On Labor day I was up until one in the morning painstakingly making him a lovely little home made delight and wrapping up a stamp my grandmother got him with his name on it. Gifts three and four he opened early, adding to the list of things he had gotten for his birthday before the actual date.
I couldn't get him a gift the day of or the day after his day of birth, so I opted for:
Granted, over the last month I have been showering him with an abundance of gifts, but I can't help myself; I absolutely love giving him things! I love the look he gives me when he realizes I've spent money followed quickly by the look of utter delight at something silly or stupid I had fanciful wrapped up. It's like a gift all in itself (oh, how cliché.)
About a month before his actual birthday, I surprised him by lighting a sea of candles in the bedroom, putting the stain sheets on, spending a fortune on a sexy lingerie piece and slipping into a pair of his favorite stockings and silk robe (he has a high heel and stocking fetish, but I was hesitant to snag the sheets, so I vetoed the high heel idea). That was birthday gift number one.
Two weeks later I bought him a nice shirt, and though I didn't think of it as a birthday gift, he did so that counts as number two. On Labor day I was up until one in the morning painstakingly making him a lovely little home made delight and wrapping up a stamp my grandmother got him with his name on it. Gifts three and four he opened early, adding to the list of things he had gotten for his birthday before the actual date.
I couldn't get him a gift the day of or the day after his day of birth, so I opted for:
- His favorite breakfast
- Something naughty
- His favorite lunch
- Lots more naughty stuff
- A few movies of his choosing
- Though not planned, something naughty (we are a very sensual couple)
- An expensive dinner at a highly respected establishment that will cost an arm and a leg
As you are reading this, you may be thinking that I am a silly woman who spends much too much time into my lover's birthday and to this I must say that you are wrong. I agree that it all does sound a bit romantic in the most disgusting way, and I have indeed showered him with more gifts than most people get in many years worth of birthdays, but I have valid reasons.
First: If you knew the man, you wouldn't be able to resist swooning over him at all possible moments either. Not only he is easily the sweetest, most caring individual on Earth, but he has such a low self-esteem that anytime a special day comes around (e.g. birthday, Christmas, valentines day, etc.) he insists to everyone that he doesn't deserve anything. It makes me want to prove to him what a fantastic person he is by drowning him in love, affection and things.
Second: Nearly everyday I receive a gift from him, whether it's something he bought or a giant bouquet the neighborhood contributed to. And any time I raise a fuss about how much he is spending on me, or how much he is spoiling me, he simply kisses me and tells me that I'm worth it (which I'm not mind you). So, his birthday is MY day to spoil him rotten like you can't believe. And anytime he raises a fuss (which is more than you think), I simply kiss him and tell him he's worth it.
Third: I love him and sometimes a good way to prove your love is through meaningful, material items. Not always, just some times, on some occasions. Like birthdays!
♥
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